“Are You Okay?”

Recently I asked my Instagram followers a question that's been on my mind lately. The question was, “When you're asked, ‘Are you okay?’ do you answer truthfully?”. This question is very straight forward but it can touch on many topics in your life.

I know personally, when I've been asked that question I would reply with "Yes".

Honestly, I don't know if people believed me when I delivered this forced answer ,with a face that was a little too comfortable with holding back tears. This was the only way I felt that I could dodge being probed with never ending questions. See, the thing is that I didn't know if I could keep myself from cracking if more questions were asked. Thankfully due to the mask mandate being mandatory, every other week, this gave me a break from keeping my face completely together when the question came along more frequently (shoutout to the mask mandate).

Recently, my family and I have lost family members that we weren't ready to say farewell to. I knew that it was going to be a tough time for my family, so I decided that I was going to be strong for all of us. I would say that I self titled myself as the strong one. I knew that my family was going to need somebody to take care of our sick family members… somebody that could handle the bad days. I wanted to be there for my loved ones in any way that I could because that's what family is for .... right? I never wanted anything in return for the shoes that I was willing to fill. Even though I knew that I couldn't turn back time and buy more time with the ones we lost, I just pray that they knew that I loved them dearly. Even if they didn't know that I was in the hospital room, I just needed to be there.

Believe me when I say that it's not easy feeling the need to always be strong. I didn't want anybody to feel like they needed to worry about me (one less person to check on). I continued to allow everybody to know that if they needed anything that I was there. I consoled my family and their pain in public, while I bottled my pain up, and dealt with it in private. I didn't want anybody to know that I was battling with this self awarded title. It wasn't just my family that I was trying to fool. I allowed this to venture over into my friendships. I made it very clear that their concerns weren't needed because I was okay. When I revealed to them that I finally hit the bottom, my cover was blown.

I wanted to continue to be everybody's rock , but the truth is that eventually even rocks sink down to the bottom. I wanted to focus on supporting everybody else through their pain, so that I wouldn't have to focus on my pain. It didn't give me time to ask myself,

“How are you doing? …Like how are you really doing?”

I knew in order for me to heal I was going to have to cut the act. I had to be honest with myself and others by saying that I wasn't really okay after all. Who says that we have to be strong at all times? I feel like a lot of us feel that being strong consistently is a talent. Like we're making it a contest to hold on to the most pain for a mystery award. It makes me think about Bag Lady by Erykah Badu. The lyrics read:

One day all them bags gon' get in your way

Girl I know sometimes it's hard and we can't let go

you can't deny it, you can't stop cryin

if you start breathin' babe

you won't believe it, it feels so much better

Let it go

These words spoke to me as if Erykah wrote this song just for me. I know that it feels easier to just throw that pain in the bag and keep on pushing forward, pretending that everything is okay. I know that the pain can be so unbearable, that it seems easier to never address how you're really feeling. Holding on to all that pain will eventually weigh you down. You may not know what the first step of healing looks like. That's perfectly fine, but just imagine how easy it could be if you would stop fighting the pain and just breathe. Look at this as being your first step of letting that pain go, bag lady.

Some men are even coached throughout their lives that because you're a man it's not "manly" ( whatever that means) or even appropriate to be emotional. I'm here to tell you that having feelings doesn't make you any less of a man ....it makes you human. I know that many of us women, especially black women, are expected to remain strong through the bad times. It's okay to not be strong all the time and take time to heal.

You may even be told "Let it out now and keep it pushing". We need to normalize never telling somebody how they should heal and how long it should take. We all heal differently and we should just respect that. I'm currently working on my healing process and I know that everything will be okay in due time.

To the ones I lost: The words I didn't know how to say

I find myself thinking about each of you everyday. At first I only could focus on questioning the pain that might've been inflicted on each of you. Did they even feel any pain? Was it a lasting pain? Was there anything more that could've been done? Knowing that any of you could've experienced any pain hurt me more than anything. It was on my mind so much that it kept me up late for many nights. While sitting in the different hospital rooms, I wondered if ya'll were aware of the battle that was brought upon you. I just wanted each of you to know that I didn't want to leave your side. Some days I didn't know what to say, so I brought a book and just decided to read to ya’ll instead. I couldn't find the words to say that I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready for the call that I was going to receive at any time. A scary surprise that I didn't want to be revealed. Your deaths were like a domino effect and It became very hard for me. Every call that I received hit me harder every time. I wanted to be so strong during the times that ya'll couldn't , I just didn't know how to stop.

When I was told about you D, I was so numb. I couldn't believe that I would have to say goodbye to you so early. I honestly still don’t believe that you’re gone.Your ray of light was so beautiful and you always knew how to make a room laugh. I'm sorry I didn't know what to say. The love that I have for you all will never end and I hold on to that every day. I love you all and I'm thankful for being blessed with each of you. You all are truly missed every day and will never be forgotten.

In loving memory of Virginia, Melvin, Trisha, Deja, Melinda

~Lady V